Geometric Jokes -
How do you keep from farting around?
Keep a square asshole!
Think outside of the square box.
Rule: Shit rolls downhill except when there's ice in the pipes.
What do Star Trek & TP have in common?
They both float around Uranus and try to capture Klingons.
RULES OF LIFE
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of
its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, HE WILL NOT use, as his messenger,
a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
9. Never lick a steak knife.
10. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
11. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails)
14. Your friends will love you anyway.
15. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
17. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it
doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
18. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."
19. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
20. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
21. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, "Will
this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"
22. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
23. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
24. Work is good, but it's not that important.
25. And finally; be really nice to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
These are pretty funny-forwarded to me by
a male species- so men must think they are funny!!
Let me know if they qualify for a chuckle.
Hey guess Steve Martin has yet to meet the zebra libra.
And what criteria did Lynn Lavner use to pick out her ride??--she needs to be jazzin!
Tom Clancy: "I believe that X is one of the most beautiful, natural,
wholesome things that money can buy."
Steve Martin: "You know "that look" women get when they want X? Me neither."
Drew Carey: "X without love is a meaningless experience,
but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty d-mned good."
Woody Allen: "Having X is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Rodney Dangerfield: "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no X life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield: "My wife said she'd like to have X in the back seat of the car ... and she wanted me to drive."
George Burns: "It isn't premarital X if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns: "X at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Lynn Lavner: "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase Xual arousal, particularly in women.
Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Harvey Korman: "Using Viagra is like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
JOKES ONLY A MAN CAN APPRECIATE
17 Reasons Why E-Mail is like a Male Appendage
1.) Some folks have it, some don't.
2.) Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
3.) Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
4.) Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat,
but think that it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
5.) Many of those who don't have it would like to try it. (e-mail envy)
6.) It can be up or down.
It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.
7.) In the long distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the species.
Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for,
but most folks today use it just for fun most of the time.
8.) If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.
9.) If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
10.) We tend to attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrants.
11.) If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble!
12.) If you stay on it too long your hands cramp up.
13.) Wife gives you funny look when asked to kiss it.
14.) If caught using someone else's; you better have a good reason.
15.) Hard to sleep at night if it hasn't been checked in a while.
16.) Sometimes you dream your using it, then wake up and realize you did.
17.) The stuff you get from it is sometimes hard to swallow.