1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are
"I apologize" and "you are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them (him or her).

5. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her -
believe them.

7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself,
"Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"

8. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.
It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

10. Living well really is the best revenge.
Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship
just might mean that the other person was right about you.

11. Work is good, but it's not that important.
Money is nice, but you can't take it with you.
Statistics show most people don't live to spend all they saved;
some die even before they retire.
Anything we have isn't really ours; we just borrow it while we're here....even our kids.

12. And finally... Be really good to your family and friends.
You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.